Hello idiots and monkeys,
I am the man. Also i might be gay. Someone pointed out that the background of my blog is, erm, for the lack of a better word, pink. I hate pink. I think pink is gay if a guy is, in any way, using the colour or wearing it. pink looks nice on women and even names relating to the colour are nice.
And what the hell is up with Americans and U. LISTEN UP YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING IDIOTS: COLOUR IS SPELLED LIKE "COLOUR" AND NOT FUCKING "COLOR" YOU MONKEY HUMPING RETARDS!!
Ahem, sorry about that... it is just pissing off. I know, i am British. Not really.
So, i was talking to my friend, lets call him 'Firdaus'. Its a name hard to pronounce (not really) and weird. So it can't possibly be a real name.
Anyway, my friend told me about this massive monster destroying this not so massive fat lady. And i said to firdaus 'you are an idiot, firdaus, if that is your real name.'
I am generally very suspicious. And firdaus isn't really an idiot. He is smart. But he became a follower of this blog. So i am honestly losing faith in my judgment of judging people. Anyway, i am sleepy and this post is more of a ... um, ... yeah.
Goodnight, i am Mister Penis.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Post No. 4: Drunks and drinkers.
Hello you idiot junkies,
The blog is not doing that well... that is not all bad, i can do and say whatever i want. But i still wish more people would join me in my quest to rid this world of dicks. And i don't mean male genitalia.
Anyway, i shall now discuss drunks. They suck. See, most people drink and smoke and do drugs for three simple reasons and these three reasons can be dealt with. I will teach you.
Firstly, lets just jot out the reasons.
A) They think their life sucks. For example, they are having problems in their relationships, they think their parents don't get them (you can translate this into whatever you want; they don't trust you, too strict with you, touching you inappropriately etc.) and so on.
B) They are wannabes. They don't know it. But it is true. If a drinker, druggie or smoker is reading this, ask yourself; Why do do this? Other than it makes you feel good and etc., ask yourself; why?
C) Peer pressure.
Lets get on with the solutions now.
A) If you think your life sucks, you are stupid. What happened, your girl/ boyfriend think you are a douching bag? Your parents cramping your style? Well, GROW A PAIR! See, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go (unless they are on a wheelchair and they don't have arms, then you have to push them) and your parents, they are the reason you are here. I know its not a pretty picture, but whatever little happiness you have in your life is because your father was too lazy to run to the chemist and get some rubber or your mother misplaced her pills and didn't bother about them for the next 72 hours. You need to stop cribbing and grow a set of balls and women can just become braver on account of them not being able to grow a pair and if you can and you do, go to the doctor right-fucking-now!
Life is about these little sadnesses (not a real word, by the way). You need to understand these things will happen throughout your life. And after a certain point in your life, you won't be able to run to drugs and alcohol. You might have responsibility, a family. So prepare now, and face up and cover your balls. And get ready for one mighty punch from life. And if you have EVER talked to your parents rudely or done anything to hurt them (even if you were intoxicated) go apologize. You owe them more than your stinking life, and everything you own (which in reality is owned by them and you have it because of them)
Anyway, on to B.
B) So, Have you asked yourself why. Is it because you wanted to fit in. Even though you believe that you are too old to be influenced by people you idolize, but you are never too old for that. I know, i am 97.
See, being a wannabe isn't anything bad. Everybody is a wannabe. Don't you want to be somewhere or maybe, in someones shoes? You might say no to the latter, but at some point, everybody wants to be someone! I know, i am 97.
So, get over yourself, or whoever you want to be like. Just say no.
And C is the same. And in all honesty i am bored now and don't feel like discussing this, so i am just gonna smoke up and mellow out. Right then. Stay in school and say no to drugs. Stay above the influence and you can. I know, i am 97.
A 97-year-old.
The blog is not doing that well... that is not all bad, i can do and say whatever i want. But i still wish more people would join me in my quest to rid this world of dicks. And i don't mean male genitalia.
Anyway, i shall now discuss drunks. They suck. See, most people drink and smoke and do drugs for three simple reasons and these three reasons can be dealt with. I will teach you.
Firstly, lets just jot out the reasons.
A) They think their life sucks. For example, they are having problems in their relationships, they think their parents don't get them (you can translate this into whatever you want; they don't trust you, too strict with you, touching you inappropriately etc.) and so on.
B) They are wannabes. They don't know it. But it is true. If a drinker, druggie or smoker is reading this, ask yourself; Why do do this? Other than it makes you feel good and etc., ask yourself; why?
C) Peer pressure.
Lets get on with the solutions now.
A) If you think your life sucks, you are stupid. What happened, your girl/ boyfriend think you are a douching bag? Your parents cramping your style? Well, GROW A PAIR! See, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go (unless they are on a wheelchair and they don't have arms, then you have to push them) and your parents, they are the reason you are here. I know its not a pretty picture, but whatever little happiness you have in your life is because your father was too lazy to run to the chemist and get some rubber or your mother misplaced her pills and didn't bother about them for the next 72 hours. You need to stop cribbing and grow a set of balls and women can just become braver on account of them not being able to grow a pair and if you can and you do, go to the doctor right-fucking-now!
Life is about these little sadnesses (not a real word, by the way). You need to understand these things will happen throughout your life. And after a certain point in your life, you won't be able to run to drugs and alcohol. You might have responsibility, a family. So prepare now, and face up and cover your balls. And get ready for one mighty punch from life. And if you have EVER talked to your parents rudely or done anything to hurt them (even if you were intoxicated) go apologize. You owe them more than your stinking life, and everything you own (which in reality is owned by them and you have it because of them)
Anyway, on to B.
B) So, Have you asked yourself why. Is it because you wanted to fit in. Even though you believe that you are too old to be influenced by people you idolize, but you are never too old for that. I know, i am 97.
See, being a wannabe isn't anything bad. Everybody is a wannabe. Don't you want to be somewhere or maybe, in someones shoes? You might say no to the latter, but at some point, everybody wants to be someone! I know, i am 97.
So, get over yourself, or whoever you want to be like. Just say no.
And C is the same. And in all honesty i am bored now and don't feel like discussing this, so i am just gonna smoke up and mellow out. Right then. Stay in school and say no to drugs. Stay above the influence and you can. I know, i am 97.
A 97-year-old.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Post No. 3: SNIKT!
Nobody's on our side,
Anybody following the NOIR series that Marvel Comics has recently released. Currently, there have been two issues of X-Men NOIR and Spider-Man NOIR. And very soon these titles will be joined by Wolverine's solo NOIR book and Daredevil belongs in the NOIR-esque titles. And i believe so does the Punisher. And yes, if you haven't noticed, i love comic books. I believe the finest way of telling a story is through a comic book.
I hate it that people think that comic books are for children, well, they suck. I am not going to justify comic books. I don't need to. I like the way i wrote 'noir' in all capitals. NOIR. And i like the way its pronounced; n-oo(like the used in look)-R. NOIR. NOIR. its just fun.
So, how have you been my wanking monkeys? Good, i hope. I have friends, i know it is hard to believe that someone would come with ten feet of me but hey, i am a charming SOB. Or people have pity on me. If it is the latter, i don't want to know.
So this friend of mine, again to keep his identity a secret i have decided a codename for him: The B.H.A.L.L.A. I don't know what it stands for yet, but I'll inform you very, very soon. But don't believe me, i make lot of false promises. Hell, my life is built on false promises.
Now, let me continue with the tale of The B.H.A.L.L.A.
It starts on a Sunny Wednesday morning. We had a test on Political science. Its like science, but stupid. Anyway, The B.H.A.L.L.A. approached me and in his deep, manly voice he asked for a sheet to write the test on. I was shaken by his gruff beard, his deep voice and his general hairiness. I was moved from within, i knew he was special. Gifted even. Later on, i asked him for an answer i did not know in a whisper. He replied. and i was shacked by the magic of his voice again.
Anyway long story short, i passed the test, The B.H.A.L.L.A. totally out-marked me and nothing gay happened, i was just trying to be dramatic. Life sucks anyway. Oh, who am i kidding, Life is kick ass. Sure i am the worst possible student. Penis. And my blog currently has had a total of zero views and i am still updating it for some odd reason, and then there is the whole issue with no girl liking me. But life kicks ass.
See what i did in the above paragraph, i stuck in a word you guys weren't expecting just to mess with you and my liking for penises. Again, I am not gay. Anyway, i am sleepy and need to get up late tomorrow on account of me having nothing to do!
Your mom's pimp
Anybody following the NOIR series that Marvel Comics has recently released. Currently, there have been two issues of X-Men NOIR and Spider-Man NOIR. And very soon these titles will be joined by Wolverine's solo NOIR book and Daredevil belongs in the NOIR-esque titles. And i believe so does the Punisher. And yes, if you haven't noticed, i love comic books. I believe the finest way of telling a story is through a comic book.
I hate it that people think that comic books are for children, well, they suck. I am not going to justify comic books. I don't need to. I like the way i wrote 'noir' in all capitals. NOIR. And i like the way its pronounced; n-oo(like the used in look)-R. NOIR. NOIR. its just fun.
So, how have you been my wanking monkeys? Good, i hope. I have friends, i know it is hard to believe that someone would come with ten feet of me but hey, i am a charming SOB. Or people have pity on me. If it is the latter, i don't want to know.
So this friend of mine, again to keep his identity a secret i have decided a codename for him: The B.H.A.L.L.A. I don't know what it stands for yet, but I'll inform you very, very soon. But don't believe me, i make lot of false promises. Hell, my life is built on false promises.
Now, let me continue with the tale of The B.H.A.L.L.A.
It starts on a Sunny Wednesday morning. We had a test on Political science. Its like science, but stupid. Anyway, The B.H.A.L.L.A. approached me and in his deep, manly voice he asked for a sheet to write the test on. I was shaken by his gruff beard, his deep voice and his general hairiness. I was moved from within, i knew he was special. Gifted even. Later on, i asked him for an answer i did not know in a whisper. He replied. and i was shacked by the magic of his voice again.
Anyway long story short, i passed the test, The B.H.A.L.L.A. totally out-marked me and nothing gay happened, i was just trying to be dramatic. Life sucks anyway. Oh, who am i kidding, Life is kick ass. Sure i am the worst possible student. Penis. And my blog currently has had a total of zero views and i am still updating it for some odd reason, and then there is the whole issue with no girl liking me. But life kicks ass.
See what i did in the above paragraph, i stuck in a word you guys weren't expecting just to mess with you and my liking for penises. Again, I am not gay. Anyway, i am sleepy and need to get up late tomorrow on account of me having nothing to do!
Your mom's pimp
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Post No. 2: Does this really help us score?
Hello fellow wankers,
Five minutes ago I was sitting in front of the television stuffing my face with raisins and they showed this advertisement where a guy scored with a girl because he had really nice underwear, and i do mean briefs. Which brings up oh-so many questions to the mind of a horny teenager, like; If i walk in front of a girl that i like, in those briefs, will i score? or maybe; What attracted the girl; the fellows rugged, square, handsome face or was it the six or eight pack abs that he was flaunting or the size of the package his briefs emphasized or was it the design of the underwear? (And how come they don't have a proper ad for womens briefs, let them come on TV topless, in their panties.)
Also, those darned toothpaste ads that we have to endure. There are generally two or three main characters. And there are generally two scenarios or layouts that these ads follow.
Scenario 1,
Something funny happens, and a girl starts laughing her ass off. Now there is a dorky looking guy standing beside her with really yellow teeth and that is why he laughing like a hyena, covering his mouth. No seriously like a hyena, literally. And the smoking hot girl gets disgusted by that, because a hyena-laugh isn't one of the most desirable traits in a man. But then the hot girls hears something. Oh, what do you know, its a handsome guy who laughs like monkey on a trampoline getting tickled by giraffe high on ridlin. So, again, here are a set of question to get you thinking.
Q1. Was she rally disgusted with the laugh, or she being a hot, nubile little girl in her early twenties, just didn't want to go around with a guy who looked like he just went through the lawn mower?
Q2. Was she attracted to the handsome guy because he was handsome or was it because he laughed for no F-ing reason whatsoever or was it because of his teeth?
They WANT us to believe that we can score if we use the toothpaste but we don't. I have been using the toothpaste for over a year. No effect. I mean there is also the fact that looking at me or my face is worse than stabbing yourself twice and then hammering nails down on your privates. That ought to give you a good, healthy image to keep you up for nights. If not, well done. If it wasn't for my somewhat charming personality, i would be stoned to death by the doctor who delivered me!
Anyway on to Scenario no. 2,
A hot girl or guy meets another hot girl or guy, and the second girl or guy smiles at the first girl or guy and the first girl or guy is smitten by the smile and the perfect teeth displayed by the second girl or guy. Sometimes there is a twist on this, the first girl or guy is a cop or is supposed to kick the second girl or guys ass, but again the first girl or guy gets a quickie in the corner because the second girl or guy smiled at the first girl or guy.
Now, for questions;
Q1. Again, the first girl or guy are smitten by the second girl or guy because they are, as mentioned above, hot or is it because of their freakishly perfect teeth OR is it because they use a toothpaste that makes their unnaturally perfect teeth white as Bill Clinton?
I also hate deodorant commercials, according to them, if we spray the deodorant of the brand they are selling we will be covered with girls or, recently, its chocolate and apparently girls dig chocolate and therefore they will dig the user. But you must have noticed, most girls were white, and it is a scientific fact that white girls are easier than a fifteen-year-old on hormones. But what i hate the most about the ad is that some guy is getting some because of the deo and i am stuffing my face with raisins. And i know its not real but still. The guy gets PAID for standing there while a bunch of half naked women do stuff to him.
Oh, i am too pissed of to continue... see you guys on the other side of hell...
Five minutes ago I was sitting in front of the television stuffing my face with raisins and they showed this advertisement where a guy scored with a girl because he had really nice underwear, and i do mean briefs. Which brings up oh-so many questions to the mind of a horny teenager, like; If i walk in front of a girl that i like, in those briefs, will i score? or maybe; What attracted the girl; the fellows rugged, square, handsome face or was it the six or eight pack abs that he was flaunting or the size of the package his briefs emphasized or was it the design of the underwear? (And how come they don't have a proper ad for womens briefs, let them come on TV topless, in their panties.)
Also, those darned toothpaste ads that we have to endure. There are generally two or three main characters. And there are generally two scenarios or layouts that these ads follow.
Scenario 1,
Something funny happens, and a girl starts laughing her ass off. Now there is a dorky looking guy standing beside her with really yellow teeth and that is why he laughing like a hyena, covering his mouth. No seriously like a hyena, literally. And the smoking hot girl gets disgusted by that, because a hyena-laugh isn't one of the most desirable traits in a man. But then the hot girls hears something. Oh, what do you know, its a handsome guy who laughs like monkey on a trampoline getting tickled by giraffe high on ridlin. So, again, here are a set of question to get you thinking.
Q1. Was she rally disgusted with the laugh, or she being a hot, nubile little girl in her early twenties, just didn't want to go around with a guy who looked like he just went through the lawn mower?
Q2. Was she attracted to the handsome guy because he was handsome or was it because he laughed for no F-ing reason whatsoever or was it because of his teeth?
They WANT us to believe that we can score if we use the toothpaste but we don't. I have been using the toothpaste for over a year. No effect. I mean there is also the fact that looking at me or my face is worse than stabbing yourself twice and then hammering nails down on your privates. That ought to give you a good, healthy image to keep you up for nights. If not, well done. If it wasn't for my somewhat charming personality, i would be stoned to death by the doctor who delivered me!
Anyway on to Scenario no. 2,
A hot girl or guy meets another hot girl or guy, and the second girl or guy smiles at the first girl or guy and the first girl or guy is smitten by the smile and the perfect teeth displayed by the second girl or guy. Sometimes there is a twist on this, the first girl or guy is a cop or is supposed to kick the second girl or guys ass, but again the first girl or guy gets a quickie in the corner because the second girl or guy smiled at the first girl or guy.
Now, for questions;
Q1. Again, the first girl or guy are smitten by the second girl or guy because they are, as mentioned above, hot or is it because of their freakishly perfect teeth OR is it because they use a toothpaste that makes their unnaturally perfect teeth white as Bill Clinton?
I also hate deodorant commercials, according to them, if we spray the deodorant of the brand they are selling we will be covered with girls or, recently, its chocolate and apparently girls dig chocolate and therefore they will dig the user. But you must have noticed, most girls were white, and it is a scientific fact that white girls are easier than a fifteen-year-old on hormones. But what i hate the most about the ad is that some guy is getting some because of the deo and i am stuffing my face with raisins. And i know its not real but still. The guy gets PAID for standing there while a bunch of half naked women do stuff to him.
Oh, i am too pissed of to continue... see you guys on the other side of hell...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Post no. 1 (2 actually)
Okay, i am bored. and i just noticed, that in the last post the last part wasn't clearly visible.
Well, for the benefit of the public and to stick it to anybody who follows the pope, it said; Yours Faithfully, The Pope (Look at my hat everyone!)
Now i am well aware that I might get an incredible amount of hate-mail telling me that the Pope is is actually really cool (what?) and how he is the hero of their people and their leader (the man is seventy years old) but i want to tell you, i have nothing against the pope or your religion or you, you dumbass. I honestly don't believe in religion, though i do like the mythology related to it.
So, did anybody see the Obama inauguration ceremony-thing. I didn't. Why? Because i am not American and i honestly don't care. I know that he is a president and he is the first Hispanic man to be the president of a country full of white trash and gangsta' blacks who like showing off their artillery by shooting 12 year olds on the street, not that there's anything wrong with that. Heck, that is how I do it and i am not even black. But man, I am down with dat!
Again just in case, I am not anti-America, a lot of good things have come from there too (like silicon boobs and playboy) and the world is greatly proud of them for these wonderful achievements.
Now back to what this post was really about;
I have a friend, but i doubt he wants his identity to be revealed on the Internet, so lets call him 'Nick'. Now, before I go on about my stupid story which is not really that interesting, you must know that my school had this 'Sports Day' coming up when this happened, and people were trying out for various athletic events such as various races where you try to run faster than the other man in really short shorts for a piece of jewelery. Yeah, real manly. Now, there is this category of races called the 'Fun Races' (Don't ask me what it is, I just recently joined this school and it was the first time i heard it too).
Now, these 'fun races' are basically supposed to be fun and not that athletic as some other races which are not in this category. In this category of 'fun races', there is a race called the 'backward race'.
This little snippet is for the idiots reading this post, Backward race is a race where people run backwards. And I can also bet one of you idiots came up with this shit.
Anyway lets continue, the 'fun races' began. And soon it was time for the backward race. My friend, whom we have decided to call 'Nick', was participating in this event which is stupider than the time Hitler shot himself. So Nick got in line, he got on his marks, he got set and he went. And boy did he 'went'. The poor sucker was winning until he fell on his hand and broke it in two places with the bone sticking out like a porn star's woohoos. Well, I believe this race wasn't as fun for him as it was for me. The 'fun races' were canceled. Nick was taken to a doctor, and now he has a cast and inside the cast, there are two metal rods sticking out of his skin. Yeah, real fun!
And if you think that's bad, what would the poor guy say when people ask him how he met with this horrible and hilarious fate? Well, i can imagine this coming out of his shivering lips right now; Well, i was running backwards in a race and i fell. Its not that funny, but hey its better than saying; Of course, I'll let you do me in the ass!
Anyway, I have to go now. There are homeless people out there who need running over with a car. So, I'll see you later, crocodile!
Well, for the benefit of the public and to stick it to anybody who follows the pope, it said; Yours Faithfully, The Pope (Look at my hat everyone!)
Now i am well aware that I might get an incredible amount of hate-mail telling me that the Pope is is actually really cool (what?) and how he is the hero of their people and their leader (the man is seventy years old) but i want to tell you, i have nothing against the pope or your religion or you, you dumbass. I honestly don't believe in religion, though i do like the mythology related to it.
So, did anybody see the Obama inauguration ceremony-thing. I didn't. Why? Because i am not American and i honestly don't care. I know that he is a president and he is the first Hispanic man to be the president of a country full of white trash and gangsta' blacks who like showing off their artillery by shooting 12 year olds on the street, not that there's anything wrong with that. Heck, that is how I do it and i am not even black. But man, I am down with dat!
Again just in case, I am not anti-America, a lot of good things have come from there too (like silicon boobs and playboy) and the world is greatly proud of them for these wonderful achievements.
Now back to what this post was really about;
I have a friend, but i doubt he wants his identity to be revealed on the Internet, so lets call him 'Nick'. Now, before I go on about my stupid story which is not really that interesting, you must know that my school had this 'Sports Day' coming up when this happened, and people were trying out for various athletic events such as various races where you try to run faster than the other man in really short shorts for a piece of jewelery. Yeah, real manly. Now, there is this category of races called the 'Fun Races' (Don't ask me what it is, I just recently joined this school and it was the first time i heard it too).
Now, these 'fun races' are basically supposed to be fun and not that athletic as some other races which are not in this category. In this category of 'fun races', there is a race called the 'backward race'.
This little snippet is for the idiots reading this post, Backward race is a race where people run backwards. And I can also bet one of you idiots came up with this shit.
Anyway lets continue, the 'fun races' began. And soon it was time for the backward race. My friend, whom we have decided to call 'Nick', was participating in this event which is stupider than the time Hitler shot himself. So Nick got in line, he got on his marks, he got set and he went. And boy did he 'went'. The poor sucker was winning until he fell on his hand and broke it in two places with the bone sticking out like a porn star's woohoos. Well, I believe this race wasn't as fun for him as it was for me. The 'fun races' were canceled. Nick was taken to a doctor, and now he has a cast and inside the cast, there are two metal rods sticking out of his skin. Yeah, real fun!
And if you think that's bad, what would the poor guy say when people ask him how he met with this horrible and hilarious fate? Well, i can imagine this coming out of his shivering lips right now; Well, i was running backwards in a race and i fell. Its not that funny, but hey its better than saying; Of course, I'll let you do me in the ass!
Anyway, I have to go now. There are homeless people out there who need running over with a car. So, I'll see you later, crocodile!
howdy-ho...
Hello and welcome you stupid, bored dolts,
I am a dick. And I know what dickery is all about, I have seen enough life to know that i am straight and well, honestly; that is all i care about. But you guys, look at you. Go on, go over to the mirror and really look at yourself, I'll wait.
Now, we all know nobody actually did that and i am just making small talk here by insulting you which either pissed you off so much that you'll never visit my blog again or made you want to kick my ass like most people I know, join the club jackass!
OH! There is a third option; you actually found this funny (I pity you worms...). Well, if you did enjoy it, i am glad (and disgusted by your extremely poor sense of humor). Well, let us get this show on the road, well not really, i might end up getting stoned by the public. So come on, bring it... I am waiting...
Yours Faithfully,
The Pope (Look at my hat everyone!).
I am a dick. And I know what dickery is all about, I have seen enough life to know that i am straight and well, honestly; that is all i care about. But you guys, look at you. Go on, go over to the mirror and really look at yourself, I'll wait.
Now, we all know nobody actually did that and i am just making small talk here by insulting you which either pissed you off so much that you'll never visit my blog again or made you want to kick my ass like most people I know, join the club jackass!
OH! There is a third option; you actually found this funny (I pity you worms...). Well, if you did enjoy it, i am glad (and disgusted by your extremely poor sense of humor). Well, let us get this show on the road, well not really, i might end up getting stoned by the public. So come on, bring it... I am waiting...
Yours Faithfully,
The Pope (Look at my hat everyone!).
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